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According to SoccerAmerica, John Harkes will replace Eric Wynalda as the lead analyst for ESPN’s MLS telecasts:

Word is spreading at the NSCAA Convention in Baltimore, where the MLS SuperDraft will be staged Friday, that Harkes is replacing Eric Wynalda as lead analyst on MLS telecasts this season. Officially, Wynalda - who is in the third year of a five-year contract - will be assigned other events, but since his contract specifies he will work soccer events, ESPN may scramble to find enough non-MLS soccer events to fulfill his portfolio.

Wynalda angered ESPN executives last year when disparaging remarks he uttered to a group of fans in a bar about ESPN host Jim Rome were disseminated in a blog. He was suspended for a game, fined $5,000, and replaced by former women’s international Julie Foudy. For most subsequent MLS games he shared analyst duties with Tommy Smyth, the lead analyst for Champions League telecasts.

Harkes left his assistant coaching position with Red Bull New York two weeks ago. He has worked on soccer telecasts for the ESPN networks in the past, including the 2006 World Cup and Women’s College Cup, and for two seasons was Fox Soccer Channel’s studio analyst on “MLS Wrap.”

[Link].
 
We’re OK with this. Wynalda earned a lot of praise for his work as a studio analyst during ABC and ESPN’s coverage of the 2006 World Cup.  And he earned a lot of street cred when the infamous Fulham USA interview was posted.  (Although after his ESPN-forced apology, said street cred must be considerably discounted.)  But we’ve never much liked him as an in-game commentator. He’s simply too opinionated and doesn’t provide enough analysis for our liking. 
 
Then there’s this: 

According to sources, veteran soccer commentator JP Dellacamera has been offered the job as lead play-by-play announcer on soccer telecasts, including MLS. Dave O’Brien, who landed 2006 World Cup duties as a condition of signing a new contract three years ago, is overloaded with baseball assignments this year for the Red Sox and ESPN. 

Poor O’Brien endured a considerable amount of grief for his work as the lead anouncer during the 2006 World Cup.  We didn’t think he did too bad, and at least he called MLS games last year to get a better grasp of the game.  But it looks like that experiment has ended (say goodbye to baseball analogies!).  If he doesn’t want to call the games, that’s fine, but we hope ESPN doesn’t send him to South Africa in 2010 without further seasoning. But of course they will. 
 
Finally, this note:

[Tommy] Smyth will continue to do Champions League games on ESPN2 and other international games for ESPN International but is off regular duty on MLS telecasts. 

Another change we’re OK with.  Smyth added little if anything to MLS telecasts, except the routine reference to bulging the ol’ onion bag.

Every other journalist in the United States has sounded off on David Beckham’s arrival in Major League Soccer, so we shouldn’t have been too surprised to see his name pop up in this week’s edition of Dr. Z’s NFL Mailbag at SI.com. And considering nearly every old-guard sportswriter has denigrated Beckham, MLS, the sport, or all three, we shouldn’t have been surprised by Dr. Z’s decision to do so, too.

But does that mean it’s too much to ask that a writer of Dr. Z’s experience have at least an understanding of irony?

Here’s the good doctor’s take on Becks’ arrival:

[F]rom Jonas of San Francisco comes this question that all Americans must take seriously:

“Should the NFL be worried about MLS as competition now that Beckham has arrived? I mean, they do have a team in L.A., which the NFL can’t seem to do.”

You’re almost right there, Jonas. Except that the place they have chosen in which to showcase the Big B is Carson, Calif. And didn’t you read how the crowd of 27,000 in the Home Depot Center absolutely went wild, even though his team, the Galaxy, lost, 1-0.

“They got drilled,” My Flame Queen said. OK, honey. Let’s remember who tells the jokes around here. The serious part is that Hollywood turned out in a big way. I can see it now.

“Driver … driver … I believe you’ve driven right by Carson. We told you to turn right at the Plumbing Supplies sign.”

OK, ha ha, let’s get serious. Threatening to immediately eclipse Beckham in popularity is the Chicago Fire’s Cuauhtémoc Blanco, whose attributes, according to the AP report of his debut against Celtic AC Sunday, were his “stutter-step dribbles, change of direction and uncanny backward passes.”

OK, so only 15,719 showed up in Bridgeview, Ill., at Toyota Park, but that’s almost capacity, isn’t it?

“Toyota Park?” Linda says. “You think NFL players are tough enough to play a game in a car lot?” That does it. Time to move on.

While we were under the impression that the Los Angeles Galaxy playing in Carson, California, (or the Chicago Fire playing in Bridgeview, Illinois, or the FC Dallas playing in Frisco, Texas, or the New England Revolution playing in Foxborough, Massachusetts, or the New York Red Bulls playing in East Rutherford, New Jersey) was comparable to the New York Jets and New York Giants playing in East Rutherford (or the Dallas Cowboys playing in Irvin, Texas, or the Washington Redskins playing in Landover, Maryland, or the New England Patriots playing in Foxborough).

We must have been mistaken.

And then there’s the Toyota Park jab. Being fans of England’s Premier League, we’ve read more than our share of jokes about the names of MLS stadiums in the English press. (For what it’s worth, Dallas’ Pizza Hut Park, the Galaxy’s Home Depot Center and the Colorado Rapids’ Dicks Sporting Goods Park all attract much more ridicule than Chicago’s Toyota Park.) It’s certainly ironic that a nation that sees nothing funny about shirt-sponsors and turns a blind eye toward tradition-rich grounds like the Reebok Stadium, Emirates Stadium, and the JJB Stadium, amongst others, would find MLS’ corporate-themed stadiums hilarious.

And it’s doubly ironic for Dr. Z to take issue with Toyota Park given that he makes his living writing about athletes who play at [pause for deep breath] Qwest Field, Monster Field, McAfee Coliseum, Invesco Field, Qualcomm Stadium, Reliant Stadium, the Edward Jones Dome, the RCA Dome, Ford Field, Heinz Field, LP Field, Raymond James Stadium, Bank of America Stadium, FedEx Stadium, M&T Bank Stadium, Lincoln Financial Field, Gillette Field, and (we saved the best for last) the University of Phoenix Stadium [and exhale].

Perhaps next week’s mailbag will explain the inherent comedic value of ‘Toyota Park’. Or maybe The Flaming Redhead can simply give us a hilarious one-liner about each corporate stadium. That would be enough material for a whole column.

(And, yes, the question that prompted Dr. Z’s take on MLS was ridiculous. We love the league and the sport, but MLS doesn’t compete with the NFL. Major League Baseball and the National Basketball Association don’t compete with the NFL. It’s simply in a league of its own.)

The New York Times recently reported that the NY Mets were interested in possibly bringing another MLS team to New York.  (Login Required Link)  In addition to the New York, Oakland A’s owners Lew Wolff and John Fisher purchased an option last year to bring a new team back to San Jose. (Link)  Currently the MLS contracts their team and League Web Sites to Major League Baseball’s Advanced Media.

Nelly Furtado sported a DC United jersey at a Friday night show in Washington. 

Image via Information Leafblower (Link)

Perhaps Allenby For Heisman! is being a massive bit presumptuous, but maybe, just maybe, Dear Reader, you logged onto LogeLevel.com last Thursday in search of a Mixed Bag of goodness from yours truly. And when you saw nothing from A4H!, you were no doubt filled with disappointment.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, A4H! felt the same way watching the conclusion of the first leg of the Manchester United vs. AC Milan Champions League semifinal on Tuesday.

The scene: In front of an uncharacteristically boisterous crowd at the Theatre of Dreams, Milan cling desperately to a 2-2 scoreline that will set them up nicely for the second leg. The Italians have been on the back foot since their midfield general, Gennaro Gattuso, was stretchered off with a foot injury in the fifty-fourth minute. United scored the equalizer minutes after and are pressing for the winner. Yet Milan are hanging on, and when the match enters stoppage time, it looks like they’ve done it. But then Ryan Giggs wins the ball deep in his own half and surges forward into acres of space. This doesn’t look good, A4H! thinks to itself.  Giggs then splits the Milan defense and plays Wayne Rooney into right side of the box. As the ball runs past Rooney’s right, he swivels and hammers it, first time, into Nélson de Jesús Silva’s – better known as Dida – near post. Dida gets nowhere near it as he’s horribly out of position. And for that, A4H! says thanks for nuthin’, Nélson de Jesús Silva.

A4H! simply doesn’t understand Dida. It’s nothing personal, of course, He seems like a fine man and is undoubtedly a committed footballer – remember how he didn’t miss any time when he got hit with that flare back in the 2005 Champions League semis against Inter? It’s just that, well, he’s not very good, and yet he’s managed to be the number one goalkeeper for one of the best and richest clubs in the world – Milan – and the best footballing nation in the world – Brazil – for several years running. He does make some world-class saves, like yesterday’s stop against Darren Fletcher. But he’s had more than his share of gaffes. He was at fault for United’s first and third goals yesterday, and while I’m glad he didn’t, I still think he should have stopped Vladimir Smicer’s goal in the 2005 Champions League Final.

But yesterday wasn’t all bad news for a United hater like A4H! The makeshift backline Sir Alex Ferguson sent out did provide one instance of comedy gold to allow Kaka to score his second. As the ball is bouncing, Kaka is running side-by-side with United’s Gabriel Heinze. The Brazilian stoops forward to head the ball away from Heinze and then, oddly, checks his run. And here’s why: out of nowhere, United’s Patrice Evra comes flying in – literally flying, he’s jumping for some reason. Evra flies past Kaka and slams into Heinze, knocking him over. This leaves Kaka alone in front of goal and he calmly strokes the ball past Edwin van der Sarr.

The second leg will be played at 2.45 p.m. Wednesday, May 2 at the San Siro. It will be televised live on ESPN2.

Rooney’s strokes of genius give defiant United the edge [The Guardian]

Now for today’s other talking points:

–America <3's LFC

As you’re probably well aware, the first leg of the other Champions League semi will be played between A4H! favorite Liverpool and Chelsea at 2.45 p.m. today at Stamford Bridge. This will be the fourteenth meeting between the two clubs since Rafa Benitez and Jose Mourinho arrived in 2004. Chelsea have won six, Liverpool have won four, and the other three were draws. The clubs have played four times in the Champions League, with Liverpool winning once – thank you Louis Garcia! – and the other three resulting in nil-nil draws. So don’t expect a repeat of yesterday’s 3-2 thriller. It’ll be tight, hotly contested, and most likely goalless.  

Off the pitch, the war of words between Jose and Rafa appears to have reached unprecedented levels. For whatever reason – and it’s undoubtedly the fact that Rafa has delivered a CL title to Liverpool while Jose has failed to do the same for Chelsea – no one seems to get under Jose’s skin quite like Rafa. Jose’s latest remarks are that Rafa has reduced Liverpool to a cup team – cos we were on the cusp on winning the Premiership before he arrived, weren’t we? – and that the Reds will target Chelsea striker Didier Drogba to get the Ivorian suspended for the second leg – much like Chelsea did to Xabi Alanso back in 2005, perhaps?

There’s no point in responding to Jose’s nonsense. The man himself doesn’t believe it. A4H! doesn’t even think Jose does it to unsettle his rivals. He does it simply to deflect as much attention as possible from his gazillion-pound squad. Of course, that doesn’t mean it would be for the worse if he just shut up.

As for the match, A4H! had a bad feeling about the tie. Many Liverpool fans are way too confident. They seem to assume that we simply have Chelsea’s number in the cups. But surely the Blues are due some luck in one of these knockout games?

As the astute reader notes, the previous paragraph states that “A4H! had a bad feeling.” It’s past tense because it all changed when Ms. A4H! made us watch American Idol last night. The final contestant belted out Gerry & The Pacemaker’s “You’ll Never Walk Alone” to thunderous applause and unanimous praise from the judges. No doubt this is a sign of great things to come for the Reds. A4H! is throwing caution to the wind. We’re gonna win it six times!   

Liverpool will try to get Drogba banned, says Mourinho [The Guardian]

Liverpool are just a cup team now is the message from Mourihno [The Guardian]

 –Crew News

A4H! was at work until very late on Thursday and then out of town for the weekend, so there was no preview or recap of Columbus’ 2-2 draw against the New England Revolution on Thursday. The game’s major talking point was Andy Herron elbowing Jay Heaps. Steven Goff of the Washington Post confirmed yesterday that Herron will be suspended and that Heaps and Shalrie Joseph will not – despite Heaps forearm shiver to Joseph Ngwenya’s face and the hand Joseph thrust into Herron’s face. Yay for consistency! Rumors are that Herron will receive six games, which seems excessive. The elbow was dirty and premeditated and Herron deserves a suspension of some sort (three games seems fair), but Herron definitely got popped in the back before he delivered the blow, which seems like a mitigating circumstance. The disciplinary committee must have taken Herron’s prior disciplinary problems into account.

Herron Suspended [The Washington Post]

More good news for the Crew: They got knocked out of the Lamar Hunt US Open Cup last night by LA Galaxy. A4H! wants to like the Open Cup. It’s the only trophy the club has won, and who doesn’t like knockout tournaments where anyone can enter? But now that Major League Soccer has changed the qualifying rules – since Columbus finished last in the east last year they had to win last night and again against New York just to play in the proper competition – it’s hard to take seriously. A4H! is all for giant killing and upsets, but all the MLS clubs should enter the competition after the introductory rounds, like England’s FA Cup.

Youthful Crew lineup nets uninspiring loss [Columbus Dispatch]

 –Billy Clyde = Legend

Parade All-American Alex Legion will be playing at Rupp Arena next fall. It doesn’t look like the kid was even considering the University of Kentucky until Billy Clyde came around, and viola, we’ve got him in a UK uniform.

Big ups to the mayor of the Athens of the West, Jim Newberry:

“Lexington’s first-year mayor contributed to the signing of Legion. By coincidence, Newberry was meeting with Lee Todd last week when Legion came by the UK president’s office as part of an official recruiting visit.

Conveniently, Legion has an interest in politics. ‘My son has a 3.8 grade-point average and wants to major in political science,’ his mother, Annette Legion, said. ‘He’s interested in being a senator or mayor someday.’

Rightly or wrongly, Legion and his mother, who accompanied him on the UK campus visit, interpreted Newberry’s presence as Kentucky basketball doing its homework.

‘You guys had the red carpet out,’ the player’s mother said. ‘The mayor and the president of the university. That was something for my son.’

Gillispie brings Legion to Cats [Lexington Herald-Leader]

That’s it for today. C’mon you Reds!

Good news for the MLS yesterday as their future top attraction David Beckham returned to the field for the first time in over 6 weeks.  The future Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder had been sidelined with a knee injury.  In his return for Real he set up the winner after coming on as a second half sub (ESPN Match Report).

According to the always entertaining Sports By Brooks, the LA Galaxy is trying to add recently-retired Zinedine Zidane. Remember him? If not, let YTMND remind you. I’ll let A4H break down the ramifications of such a move in his next article.

I’m proud that I didn’t resort to a Scientology joke when writing this post. Wait. Oops.

We at Allenby For Heisman! have always been fond of Tom Petty. He’s a fellow Southerner. He has that quote about college that’s on every other person’s Facebook page. He inspired a young A4H! to contemplate learning to play the guitar so we could play “Free Fallin’”. And, most important, he’s a bona fide rock ‘n’ roller.

And since a young A4H! sought to emulate his coolness and hipness, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers Greatest Hits got A LOT of play on mini-A4H!’s CD player. That disc’s opening track, as twenty-somethings across the country are well aware, is “American Girl,” a song that is not about a University of Florida student’s suicide. That disc’s ninth track is “The Waiting,” a song that definitely is not about Guillermo Barros Schelotto and whether he’ll in fact sign with Major League Soccer side Columbus Crew.

But it could have been. At least until a few hours ago. Since Sunday’s Boca Juniors/River Plate match the Interwebs have been chock full of speculation about GBS’ future. Would he in fact sign with the Crew? Would he come to the US but play for a different club? Would he stay with Boca Juniors? Would he retire?

Thankfully, Columbus Crew General Manager Mark McCullers killed the waiting, confirming in the Columbus Dispatch that GBS is in fact under contract with the Crew:

“We do have him under contract,” McCullers said. “We don’t have his international transfer clearance or a loan agreement from (Boca Juniors), but I have no reason to believe those are not forthcoming.”

Schelotto, 33, must also obtain a work permit, but McCullers said that formality should take no more than a few days. Schelotto is a 10-year veteran and most popular player of Boca, Argentina’s most popular club. He is arguably the Crew’s most significant international signing in the club’s 12-year history.

The article also states that GBS is expected to arrive in Columbus on Monday and could make his Crew debut as soon as Tuesday’s U.S. Open Cup match against the Los Angeles Galaxy. It also notes that GBS was not signed under MLS’ designated player rule, which means the Crew still have room to sign another ‘name’ player.

As we’ve noted, A4H! is thrilled with this signing, and we expect GBS to make a significant impact in Columbus and in MLS. Well done Crew management!

Crew signs Argentine star to 2-year deal [Columbus Dispatch]

Today’s other talking points:

–As Loge Level’s editor noted earlier today, Juan Pablo Angel’s move from Aston Villa to the New York Red Bulls is official. A4H! doesn’t have any analysis about this move, we just want to say that we like Juan Pablo, and we always will.

We were in London for the holidays in 2005/6, and we took in several football matches, one of which was Fulham vs. Aston Villa at Craven Cottage. The match ended in a 3-3 draw. A4H! favorite Brian McBride bagged a brace while Fulham’s other goal came on a questionable penalty. We don’t remember much else, except that the cheap beer Loge Level’s editor drank was terrible, that it was very cold, and that Juan Pablo’s number one fan was in attendance.

Early in the second half, Juan Pablo got off the Villa bench and began warming up. He was trotting up and down the touchline, right in front of us, doing the odd things that footballers do as they’re warming up (you know, swinging their arms in all directions, jerking their legs this way and that). Each time he jogged from the halfway line toward our section, a gentleman sitting a few rows behind us would rise and bellow “JUAN PABLO! JUAN PABLO! JUAN PABLO!” But without fail, Juan Pablo would reach the goal line and jog back toward midfield without aknowledging the cries.

His number one fan, however, was undeterred. The gentleman continued to shout “JUAN PABLO! JUAN PABLO! JUAN PABLO!” each time the striker came our way. Finally, Juan Pablo broke his jog and gazed into our stand to see what the hollering was all about. “COLOMBIA!” screamed the number one fan. Juan Pablo responded with a thumbs up and resumed his jog. The fan, presumably content at alerting Juan Pablo to the fact that the Villa man was not the only Colombian at Craven Cottage that night, took his seat.

And that’s why A4H! likes Juan Pablo.

Red Bulls call on striker Angel [MLSnet.com]

–Today Deadspin featured a piece on the alleged potency of the draft beer sold at the Saddledome, home of the National Hockey League’s Calgary Flames. The brew is said to pack a punch and leave imbibers with a so-called ‘heroin beer hangover.’ A4H! can’t comment on the power of the Northern nectar as we’ve never been to the Saddledome, or Calgary, or even Windsor, for that matter.

But having lived in the Athens of the West for the last eight years, A4H! has had the pleasure of visiting Keeneland Race Course every April and October, and we can say with certainty that a similar phenomenon occurs here in the Bluegrass: Keeneland crack beer.

Ask any twenty-something milling about in Keeneland’s paddock on raceday, and they’ll tell you there’s something special about the draft beer. Get three in you and you’re purchasing the Daily Racing Form and putting money on simulcast races at three different tracks – and you don’t even know what an exacta is, you just came to tailgate and look at the girls. If you’re on number six, half of it’s on your shirt, you’ve lost your phone, and you have no ride home because your girlfriend just left you after she caught you gawking at said girls. And if you drove yourself, you don’t have to worry about a DUI, because you’ll never find your car in your state, anyway.

And let us add that this is in no way a gender-specific phenomenon. Any woman in the paddock with a cup in hand can testify to the magic.

Beer That Makes You SKINNY! [Deadspin.com]

That’s it for now. Onward and upward!

Football365.com is reporting that Juan Pablo Angel has agreed to terms with the Red Bulls

Colombia striker Juan Pablo Angel has joined Major League Soccer outfit New York Red Bulls from Aston Villa.

The 31-year-old, who cost Villa £9.5million when they bought him from River Plate in Argentina in 2001, is thought to have signed a two-year contract with the American club.

Football365: RED BULLS GIVE ANGEL WINGS

New York Red Bulls Team Home: Red Bulls acquire English Premiership striker Juan Pablo Angel

Allenby For Heisman! on the Crew’s recent transfer target Guillermo Barros Schelotto.

Just wanted to provide an update on Columbus Crew transfer target Guillermo Barros Schelotto. We at Allenby For Heisman! are still waiting for an official announcement from Major League Soccer or the Crew. But according to SI.com, the deal is done:

Guillermo Barros Schelotto is on his way to Major League Soccer. The Argentine superstar will join the Columbus Crew on a one-year deal that will be announced on Tuesday, according to his representative Gustavo Goñi.

The Columbus Dispatch reported that Guille could make his Crew debut as soon as Thursday, when the Crew take on the New England Revolution on ESPN2.

In other MLS transfer news, Columbian forward Juan Pablo Angel of Premier League side Aston Villa looks set to sign with the New York Red Bulls. A4H! will have more on this later in the week. It’s a good signing. Angel is a quality player and Villa’s record signing – he cost the Birmingham club £9.5million six years ago. That’s it for now.

Onward and upward!

As Thierry Henry once said, “Sometimes in football you have to score goals.” For the 2007 Columbus Crew, sometimes has become as soon as possible. After a season-opening nil-nil draw against the New York Red Bulls in frigid Columbus, the Crew played out another goalless draw against Real Salt Lake on the plastic pitch at Rice-Eccles Stadium in Utah on Saturday.

Being unbeaten after two games isn’t something we at Allenby For Heisman! scoff at – DC United, the team many see as the class of Major League Soccer, has yet to register a point after losing its first two games – but, ya know, sometimes you have to score goals. Especially if you scored the fewest goals in Major League Soccer during the 2006 season – an anemic thirty in thirty-two games – and you’re trying to win back fans disenchanted by consecutive disastrous seasons.

Of course, it could be worse. The Crew are at least creating chances. As we noted last week, Columbus had several good chances against New York, and could have easily notched its first 2007 goal against Salt Lake yesterday. Jason Garey had the Crew’s best chance. Played in behind the Salt Lake backline by Ned Grabavoy in the thirteenth minute, Garey had only keeper Nick Rimando to beat. Instead of chipping Rimando, Garey opted to round the keeper. His touch proved too heavy on Rice-Eccles’ fast playing surface and took him wide, leaving a tight angle and giving veteran Salt Lake center half Eddie Pope time to track back and clear Garey’s goalbound effort.

Eddie Gaven had a good effort as he blasted from distance in the sixty-ninth minute, but Rimando managed to beat the shot away. Kei Kamara, who came on for Garey in the sixty-second minute, should have had the winner in stoppage time after Columbus’ best move of the match. Danny O’Roarke headed a Salt Lake clearance wide left to Andy Herron, who fed Grabavoy in the middle. Grabavoy played a one-two with Robbie Rogers and fed a streaking Frankie Hejduk on the right wing. Hejduk’s cross found Kamara, who had eluded his marker, but Rimando managed to do enough to force Kamara to head over. Sexy football, that, and it should have produced a goal. [Highlights. (Just like last week, a key highlight is missing. Kamara’s missed header is nowhere to be found. If you want to see it, you can check the archived game footage, just scan ahead to the ninety-second minute.)]

Defensively, Columbus limited Salt Lake to one real chance. In the fifty-third minute, Freddy Adu played a through ball to former Crew man Jeff Cunningham who had only Andy Greunebaum to beat. But the Crew keeper produced the save of the match to deny the 2006 MLS Golden Boot winner and ensure Columbus took at least a point.

Columbus’ defense looks pretty good when you look at the Crew’s opponents’ results. Salt Lake put two goals past FC Dallas during its season-opener and New York put three past Dallas today.

A4H! MoM: Greunebaum. That’s two games and two clean sheets for the University of Kentucky alum. In addition to his big stop against Cunningham, Greunebaum also displayed marked improvement with his decision making.

A4H!’s Final Take: The Crew’s goalless start to the year is undoubtedly troubling. But the defense looks solid, and the team is creating real chances. No clubs have taken maximum points from the first two weeks of matches, so Columbus hasn’t dug too deep of a hole. A4H! isn’t pushing the Panic Button yet – keep in mind two of the Crew’s more talented offensive players, Ricardo Virtuoso and Jacob Thomas, are still yet to take the field – but the club needs a goal and it needs a win. The next chance will come Thursday night at Crew Stadium on national television. A win puts Columbus atop MLS’ Eastern Conference. A loss and A4H! starts to wonder what makes this year’s Columbus Crew different from the 2005 and 2006 versions.

Around the league:

–If we supported FC Dallas, A4H! would have a serious beef with MLS HQ. As we noted with much fanfare, FC Dallas squared off against the LA Galaxy on ESPN2’s MLS Primetime Thursday. Dallas played again on Sundary, traveling cross-country to face the New York Red Bulls.

Think about that for a second. Not only did Dallas have to play two games in four days. The club had to travel to Los Angeles for a game that kicked off at 10.30 p.m., and then fly cross country to take on New York less than seventy-two hours later. (That’s still no excuse for the 3-nil hammering they took.)

If the league is going to make teams play twice in that time span – and it will since there are thirteen clubs in MLS – is it too much to ask that one of the games be at home, or at least not on opposite ends of the country? Just a thought.

Onward and upward!

We at Allenby For Heisman! have always liked the number thirteen. We patrolled the midfield and backcourt of Allenby High for years in the late nineties sporting the so-called unlucky number. We felt it not only gave us character but also panache. Sadly, our love for the number derailed our attempts at launching a career in motorsports. Or designing tall buildings.

These days, A4H! gets little opportunity to show our love for thirteen. Except on Friday the Thirteenth, that is, when we storm through the day bickering with people who are much more handsome, successful and wealthy than ourselves. The hope, of course, is that we’ll undergo some sort of cosmic body swap. From this swap we’ll learn that the Rich & Beautiful don’t have it quite that easy, and that humble A4H! actually has it made. Right. Which is more believable – that two people can switch bodies, or that the Rich & Beautiful don’t have it made?

As I’m writing this and not kicking it with Spencer and Brody and Lauren and Heidi in Los Angeles, it should be obvious that once again the freakiness of this Friday has passed me by. Oh well, there’s another one in July. On with the weekend news:

–The Worldwide Leader’s Andy Katz joins the Coach Billy Clyde party:

Billy Donovan was the first choice. You can debate whether Rick Barnes was second. Either way, Kentucky hit a home run in hiring Billy Gillispie. He will be married to the job. He will make practice worth watching — or even selling tickets for — on a regular basis. He will be beloved by the Kentucky faithful. Hard to find a single fault in Gillispie-to-Kentucky because he just seems to be such a fit.

Fox Sports’ Jeff Goodman, on the other hand, doesn’t seem too impressed with Coach Billy Clyde, or with the distinction between an arrest and a conviction:

BEST WAY TO GET A JOB: Billy Gillispie was hired at Kentucky despite a pair of DUIs.

Except that Billy Clyde doesn’t have two DUI convictions, Mr. Goodman. He was arrested twice on suspicion of DUI, but neither arrest resulted in a DUI conviction. One led to a reckless driving conviction, and the other charge was dismissed.

–Cristiano Ronaldo inks a new five-year deal with Manchester United. Well, that sucks, doesn’t it? We were really hoping he’d be off to the Iberian Peninsula this close season. Surely he doesn’t see this deal through? Please? [Tangential questions: Would this year’s Liverpool side win the Premiership with Cris Ronaldo? With Didier Drogba?]

–The FA Cup semis are this weekend, with Watford and United squaring off at Villa Park on Saturday while Blackburn and Chelsea play at Old Trafford on Sunday. We second this sentiment.

–In Stateside action, A4H!’s Columbus Crew head to Utah to battle Freddy “I Once Was a Teenage Sensation!” Adu and Real Salt Lake on Saturday at 6 p.m. Jeff Cunningham, last season’s top scorer and Columbus’ joint all-time leading goal scorer, scored twice in Salt Lake’s season-opening draw against FC Dallas. If Columbus can find a way to corral Cunny, and in Marcos Gonzalez we think they will, the Crew will find its first win of the season.

Crew striker Jason Garey, who failed to impress in last week’s season-opening draw against the New York Red Bulls, got some love from SI.com.

It seems like there were a couple of other things we wanted to mention. But there’s still time for a cosmic body swap. So we’re off to imagine how easy the Rich & Beautiful have it. Onward and upward!

Thursday’s are always tough on Allenby For Heisman! We still haven’t mastered the school-to-workforce transition and, frankly, rising at 6.45 a.m. for four straight days is still taking it out of us. (Fridays, on the other hand, are a relative breeze. The promise of the weekend is a welcome adrenaline shot.) Once The Man announces quittin’ time, we like nothing better than to head straight home, kick our feet up, and cue up Magnum, P.I. on the DVR. But A4H! doesn’t write itself, does it? So, instead of settling into our Brooks Brothers Recliner* and watching Magnum, Rick, TC, and Higgins undertake their latest misadventure – no doubt with hilarious consequences – it’s fingers pecking at keys. These are the sacrifices we make.

*Not an actual Brooks Brothers recliner. A4H! doesn’t even think Brooks Brothers makes recliners, or any other piece of furniture. But a guy who lived down the hall from us in our fraternity house – yes, A4H! was in a frat, sorry if we’ve let you down – thought its pattern looked particularly Brooks Brothersish.

But it’s not all good news for you, Reader. As of today, A4H! has declared that Thursdays be MIXED BAG THURSDAYS. Instead of one supremely crafted piece of prose, you, dear Reader, get a hodgepodge of lame and belabored observations and quips that will no doubt leave you decidedly disinterested or completely bored, or both. It’ll be just like the “list” columns that your local sports columnist churns out when he doesn’t have enough for a legit column. (Only one columnist has consistently delivered with the “list” column: the incomparable Chuck Culpepper.) In short, we’re mailing it on Thursdays, but we’re still keeping last week’s promise of more posts.

And with that, on to today’s talking points:

–Careful, Coach Billy Clyde, you’re raising that bar too high too fast.

If someone had asked us last week what our goals for next season were, we’d have asked for three things: 1) A team that again creates a buzz about the program; 2) a team that plays an exciting brand of basketball; and 3) a team that looks like it enjoys playing basketball. Those things have been missing for consecutive seasons, even though NCAA Tournament appearances have always been present.

But next year? Well, Tubby Smith left the cupboard pretty bare, and the odds of turning sixteen straight NCAAs into seventeen looked pretty long. That’s why we were willing to settle for intangible improvement.

But after this week’s happenings . . . what were we thinking? First, there was the news that ESPN Bracketologist Joe Lunardi thinks we’ll be a six seed in the 2008 Big Dance. Yesterday, we had Stewart Mandel ranking the top ten coaches in college basketball. And of course Coach Billy Clyde is on that list, sliding in at the ten spot. (Conspicuous by his absence: Tubby Smith, who didn’t make the “just missed” list or the “also considered” list. No word on whether Dick Vitale’s head exploded.)

So, let’s review: People who (presumably? hopefully?) know much more about college basketball than we do think we’ll be better next year than this year, and they think we’ve made a significant upgrade at head coach.

Now, to revise those expectations: Screw the honeymoon, Coach Billy Clyde, it’s Final Four or bust! (And suddenly all is once again right in Vitale’s world.)

–A word on the Uefa Champions League.

For the third straight year A4H!’s beloved Liverpool will face Chelsea in the Champions League, and for the second time in three years a spot in the finals is the reward. Manchester United and AC Milan play the other semifinal. Next week will bring a preview of the Liverpool/Chelsea clash. But for now, praise for United. Ugh.

We’d so love to say they weren’t that great and Italian side AS Roma were just awful (and there’s a bit of truth in that – the Columbus Crew most certainly wouldn’t have allowed United’s second and third goals). But after Liverpool progressed past Barcelona in the Round of Sixteen, all we heard was how Liverpool were actually quite average and only progressed because Barca were so poor. We got sick of it, and to avoid a case of pot/kettle, we’ll just say United were great Wednesday. A4H! will be sick for the remainder of the evening.

–Twins.

Not Arnold and DeVito. Not Kirby and Hrbek. Once again, we’re talking Guillermo Barros Schelotto, also known as El Mellizo (the Twin) because he has a twin brother. There’s still no word Stateside that the deal is official. But reputable Argentine news outlets say it’s a done deal. We should find out on Monday.

–All together, you be Tom Jackson, we’ll be Chris Berman, say it with us now: Primetime, primetime.

Not Dieon. Major League Soccer. The league makes its ESPN2’s MLS Primetime Thursday debut tonight as the Los Angeles Galaxy play host to FC Dallas. [ESPN2, 10 p.m.] Since ESPN is now paying for the rights to broadcast MLS matches, we were hoping the Worldwide Leader would give the league a bit more visibility. (As we never tire of repeating, nobody does self-promotion like ESPN.) We have seen more commercials and promos on ESPN for the league than ever before. But we haven’t seen a noticeable difference in league coverage on SportsCenter, and there was no feature on the front page of ESPN.com today. But, hey, at least the league got mentioned in Deadspin’s To Watch Tonight. And ESPN Classic had an MLS marathon on earlier today. Baby steps.

And with that, we’re going to settle in for Galaxy/Hoops. Onward and upward!

Readers of this blog know that Allenby For Heisman! is quite fond of discussing the massivity of his beloved Columbus Crew. You’d be quite right to question whether any of his carrying on is warranted, or if he’s just another blinkered fan. Let A4H! clue you in, it’s the latter. That’s not to say the Columbus Crew isn’t a noble, accomplished club. It most certainly is. Players such as Brian McBride, Brian Maisonneuve, Stern John, John Harkes, and Brad Friedel can attest to that. As can the club’s late owner, Lamar Hunt, and Major League Soccer’s first soccer-specific stadium, Columbus Crew Stadium. But when it comes to the trophy cabinet, the massivity is more Pluto than Jupiter. The Crew have won only two trophies, the 2002 Lamar Hunt US Open Cup and the 2003 Supporter’s Shield, which is more plastic than silver, and have never appeared in MLS Cup.

But what if A4H! told you that the Columbus Crew is close to signing the most decorated player in the history of Argentine football? Would that clue you in to Columbus’ massiveness?

Guillermo Barros Schelotto, a thirty-three-year-old winger who is a genuine idol to the la Bombonera faithful, is being linked with MLS’ most massive club. [MLS Underground link here. SI.com link here. Fox Soccer link here.] Since joining Boca, he’s won six Argentine league titles and three Copa Libertadores (CONMEBOL’s answer to Uefa’s Champions League). He’s scored more goals in international competition than any other Boca Juniors player. Schelotto is reported to be seeking a move abroad for more playing time. While still a key member of Boca, he’s no longer a regular in the side.

Contractual details are fuzzy at this point. Early reports suggested Schelotto would sign a two-year deal worth somewhere between one- and two-million US dollars. It’s unclear whether any transfer fee will be paid to Boca Juniors. The Columbus Dispatch released a report this evening suggesting those figures were false. According to the Dispatch, Crew Coach Sigi Schmid indicated that Schelottos’ signing would not involve the new MLS designated player rule. [Dispatch link here.]

According to the reports, Schelotto could make his final appearance in a Boca shirt in Sunday’s Superclasico against Boca’s Buenos Aires rivals, River Plate, which will be televised live on Fox Soccer Channel at 3 p.m.

So, what happens if this deal goes through? First and foremost, A4H! does a happy dance. Second, he credits Hunt Sports Group for spending the cash to make Columbus a winner. Of course, his optimism won’t be shared by everyone. Detractors will point to Schelotto’s age and lack of playing time. True, he’s no longer a regular with Boca and he’ll turn thirty-four in May. A4H!’s response: he doesn’t care. The man’s a quality player, and he’s a winner. The Crew have plenty of youngsters who can run all day. The club needs a veteran who can bring a winning mentality. (Yea, that was cliche, but it’s still true.) If this deal goes through, the Crew get that; Schelotto has winner’s medals from the toughest league and toughest tournament in the Western Hemisphere. The club also gets a gifted player who has more technical ability than anyone else on the team. Message board chatter suggests he’ll be the best crosser of the ball in MLS, at least until David Beckham arrives. Of course, that doesn’t mean he’ll play as winger in Columbus. A4H! sees him as an attacking midfielder, just as Beckham is expected to move to the middle of the park when he arrives in MLS.

But remember, there’s still no word that the deal is official. So fingers crossed.

The subject of Tuesday’s other musing: University of Kentucky men’s basketball coach Billy Clyde Gillispie. The Billy Clyde Era continues to be nothing but golden. The legend-in-the-making scored his first recruiting victory today, getting a verbal commitment from class of 2009 point guard GJ Vilarino, a Texan said to be one of the twenty best players in his class. [Courier-Journal link here.] Isn’t it nice to have a coach who’s getting commitments from elite players without always going to the wire? Scratch that, isn’t it nice to get a coach who’s getting commitments from elite players, period?

Meanwhile, Joe Lunardi must rate a Billy Clyde-coached team much more than a Tubby Smith-coached team. As you recall, the Cats were an eight seed in this year’s NCAA tournament. Our best player, Randolph Morris, is now in the National Basketball Association. And, as of today, we have zero elite players coming to the Athens of the West for next year. Common sense would tell you Lunard doesn’t even put us in the Big Dance, right? Wrong. We’re a six seed. Viva Billy Clyde! [Bracketology link here. And, yes, A4H! thinks it’s ridiculous to project the March 2008 field in April 2007. But, still, you can’t help but get excited, can you?]

Right, that’s that. A4H! is off to scenic Buenos Aires to oversee construction of the Crew’s latest Megastore. Onward and upward!